Firsts are the worst

The 'firsts' without you are the worst... Atleast that's what I'm hoping. I was caught completely off guard today, when it hit me that you wouldn't be there this time. I still live in la la land like maybe you're just on a trip and will come home soon. The past few months have been spent in a dreamlike trance, with the realness punching me in the gut every so often.
But today I knew. It hurt so bad it doubled me over. Aspen looked at me so confused... Mommies aren't supposed to cry. I wanted to be thankful today for the time I had with you but honestly I think this is all so unfair.
I feel like we are all trying so hard to keep it together, but I never really get for who. I don't need to be strong, and I don't need my family to be strong. In fact I need to know that they're hurting too.
Aunt Suzie said some beautiful words for you. I knew when she pulled out that lined piece of paper for her prayer that it was going to be bad. 
A whole family sat, with heads bowed, all crying for you. For one second we weren't strong anymore. We were real, with raw emotion, and composure was out of the question.
You are so loved, and so missed, and sometimes it hurts so bad I have to think that somehow you can feel it. 

Strong

Mix one part teenage angst, five cups childhood tragedy, a dash of depression and spritz of genetics, and one cup of inability to have a normal relationship with males. Top with emotional bottling and you have yourself a very unbalanced girl who thought the world would end because of a bad day.

Thankfully that started turning around after high school. I quickly learned I always could come up with the money, I could always smile after a breakup, and I could always have one super kick ass day after a terrible one.

So it saddens me to see so many people with so many complaints, so much bitterness, and most of all so much negativity. About 90% of my woes were self induced and I guess it just takes a little maturity to stop blaming everyone else. But come on, most of us are past our 20's and still have nothing great to say on a daily basis.

If I could teach my baby girl one thing about life it's this:
Terrible things seldom happen to the people that deserve them. They do however usually happen to the people that can handle them.

Before August 27th I freaked out when my lawn didn't get mowed, threw fits when my mover didnt get there early enough to help. I ignored my boyfriends calls when I didn't get my way. And one thing could easily ruin my day. That weekend I had plenty of problems on my plate that seemed so huge, so stressful. And then in one day life showed me how completely and utterly stupid pretty much any of my "problems" had every been.

It breaks my heart to see people consumed with anger or sadness. Yes of course betrayal hurts, bad luck gets you off track, and most things never work out as planned. But you know what? I'm HERE. It takes possibly the shittiest thing ever happening to you to embrace life. I'm grateful I've struggled, or I'd be just another miserable soul posting my problems on facebook. If it were all easy you'd never know how lucky you were.

I have to stop myself from yelling at people all the time. I want to shake them, Yell "breath you idiot!"

As long as I'm breathing life will be beautiful. I refuse to let anything ruin my day. Every song I jam in the car, every laugh until you cry moment, every Ithinkmyheartmyexplodebecauseiloveyousomuch feeling, every feel good movie, inspiration, idea, epiphany, dinner with the family, seeing someone you missed, every butterfly and happy memory I've ever had, every true friend, every baby laugh, learning something new, and every beautiful day I wake up to makes life so worth it. I may not know where I'm going and I might not have done everything right but dammit I can be happy!

We have so much more in us than we could ever know. There are still more good than bad people. And there are still some pretty stellar sunrises for anyone that chooses to just BE.

I don't know. I might be a little crazy, but I've got a little voice named Broham to always remind me to "stop being so dramatic and just keep trucking."

Just deal with it

I’m staring at the same TV screen for ten minutes. The same stupid DVD menu song is playing over and over and I let it. I could replay the disk, could change it, could turn it off. But here I sit – my only company a stupid Hello Kitty cartoon. I don’t know what it is sometimes… if I just don’t care, if I’m too lazy, if I need some white noise anyways. Stupid metaphor yes, but some nights I feel the same way about my life.

Sometimes I just get so damn disappointed. And I never know if its more in myself or in everyone else. Disappointed in myself because I mostly always know the outcome and do something anyways. Disappointed in everyone else because there’s always that hope agianst hope that they’ll prove themselves decent human beings. But the truth is that you can love someone a whole helluva lot and they could STILL give a shit less about you. But I knew that.

So instead of trying to make them feel terrible and making some big scene – because as a grown up I know that it won’t change anything anyway, I’m sitting here wondering how to just deal with it.

Hurt does a weird thing to me…. I tend to just pretend its not there. My solutions used to be get shitfaced-scream on a bathroom floor-make an ass out of yourself-drunk. Hang out with a cute boy. Call up some friends.Do my “I’m erasing you from my life” ritual. Watch TV, play vids, something ANYTHING to keep my mind as far away as possible. Ignore Ignore Ignore.

But I’m wondering if maybe that isn’t exactly the healthiest way to deal with grief. Losing a family member – can’t be ignored. I paid for that for about 7 years. Losing a boyfriend – can’t be ignored. You can drink that pain away for a little bit but lets be honest here you’ll only end up drunk dialing him or crying in public. Losing a friend- can’t be ignored. Nor can vengence be yours by taking over their MySpace profile. TRUST me on that one.

So I guess here I am 22 and finally THINKING, “Wow my heart kinda hurts. What now?”

Count celing tiles. Sip glass of wine.

1.)    Will I try to avoid a situation I KNOW will hurt me next time? Maybe, probably not.

2.)    It’s okay to cry about it. And not even that cry that you hope someone hears so they feel bad for you. Just cry because its okay to. Check. But goddammit you jerk you made me cry!

3.)    How long will it hurt? I don’t know – but eventually it will leave you alone for a little bit.

4.)    Am I going to be okay? Always. Brush your shoulders off. Its never as bad as it seems.

5.)    Embrace it. GRIEVE. Wether it’s a fight, or that you’ll never see someone ever again, feel it. It’s gotta hurt to heal.

I know its impossible to not be bothered by things. For me especially. I’m sensitive, I overrthink, I’m emotional, and I take things personally. That will probably never ever change. But my reaction can, will, is. And while I will probably never have complete control of the things I say when mad, or the irrational-take drastic measures-side of me I can be comforted by the thought that maybe, just maybe I can just deal with anything now. I mean c’mon, I’ve got one kickass little bebe smiling at me all day.

On my "TO DO" list:

Build a dollhouse with Aspen

Pay off all credit cards

Learn how to crochet flowers

Learn how to crochet anything I want actually

Learn how to sew baby clothes

Look into cloth diapering instead of disposable

Learn to live without needing so much ‘stuff’

Make tons of meals that I can just throw in the freezer

Plant my veggies

Transplant my lavender and bell peppers

Go back to school unless I can make it as an entrepreneur

(check out the UNcollege movement)

Buy a house in two years

Get my credit score past 700

Learn how to cook better

Negotiate better

Pay off my car quickly

Learn to make my own sushi

Learn to dance

Get closer to girlfriends (make some new besties)

Go to Vegas

Learn jewelry making skills

Never say "I'm too busy" to my baby

Write a book

Be someone Aspen can always come talk to no matter what about

Chew out the really unpleasant lady that always calls my office

Do things for people without expectations

Learn another language

Get baby pictures done

Stick up for myself more often

Have a garden that I can live off of

Learn to control my temper a little bit better

Think before I speak

Use my crockpot more

Get married

Spend less money

Stop eating so much DAMN JUNK FOOD

Eat earlier at night and healthier

Work out

Get my pre-baby body back

Get a tan

Find the perfect haircut for frickin once

Stop being so scared of things out of my control

Live for the day

Lessen my carbon footprint

Recycle more

Open my own store

Learn to paint

Use solar power

Go vegetarian

Be less neurotic

Go to Seattle

Go on an IKEA shopping spree

Get benefits from a job

Interview for jobs that I think I have no chance getting

Ride a bike more

Have ATLEAST one more baby

Get a nose job… maybe?

Be able to drop $100 bucks without worrying if I’ll still have enough to pay bills

And mostly to just be grateful, happy, and appreciative of what I do have.

I knew it was coming, but it didn't hurt any less.

It was easy to eliminate the ‘extras’ – the party friends, the acquaintances, the part-time friends, the flakes. I never really was that social anyway.

But it was when the ‘BFFs’ started trickling out of my life that I was left feeling a little bewildered, and a little hurt. I mean I hadn’t done anything wrong had I? Of course I wasn’t the first person to call to go to the bars anymore. But I was still me.

It’s funny how children are so life changing, you’re whole world shifts and some days you’re left thinking, “I can’t believe I know all the sesame street songs and I shop more for a pint size person than myself.” But honestly, at the same time I really feel like my life hasn’t changed that much. I’m just armed with different priorities, a better understanding and respect for consequences, and a whole new light in my life. In fact I have never ever felt more in my element than before. I drew a circle around myself and never left my comfort zone. I was so awkwardly shy, so unable to make small talk or chitchat. Now I find myself bullshitting with grocers, chit chatting with complete strangers, and actively trying to network with new people.

Yes it hurt that my ‘best friend’ in high school sent me a message with one sentence, “good luck Ashley” in response to my baby news. Yes it hurts that the only two girls I hung out with pregnant stopped responding to texts and always bailed. And yes it hurts that my ‘best mommy friend’ got a new one and I never heard from her anymore. But you know what? Your loss. I used to think maybe I was doing something wrong, maybe I was no fun…. and before I would beat myself up over it. I’ve become close with a girl I never thought I’d like. Some of my best friends are the ladies in my office, and I look forward to hanging out with my family. And I’ve gotten so far out of my circle that I started attending a mommy group.

So yes, I forgo that new pair of shoes for me so Aspen can get some pairs of summer sandals. I traded shopping at Urban Outfitters for Old Navy baby. I’m outside growing flowers and trying my hand at veggies instead of sitting in front of a TV all day. I’m learning to crochet better instead of smoking pot and playing video games. And I spend hours in the kitchen making baby food instead of sitting in a fast food line. I recycle, compost, and try to make the cute things I like instead of buy them. My big nights out are with a glass of wine and a little time to play Sims.

But you know what? I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before and I’m perfectly fine being boring.

Everyone's Doing It

After reading and admiring many of my friends blogs I've decided to join the bandwagon as well. I don't know what I will be posting, probably a smorgasbord of random thoughts, arts and crafts ideas, what I'm up to, etc. I have always enjoyed writing and used to do it more regularly and would love to exercise it a little more. Mostly for my sanity, hopefully sometimes for others' enjoyment- maybe even for a sense of fellowship or "Thank God someone else is as crazy as me too!"

Enjoy!