The 'firsts' without you are the worst... Atleast that's what I'm hoping. I was caught completely off guard today, when it hit me that you wouldn't be there this time. I still live in la la land like maybe you're just on a trip and will come home soon. The past few months have been spent in a dreamlike trance, with the realness punching me in the gut every so often.
But today I knew. It hurt so bad it doubled me over. Aspen looked at me so confused... Mommies aren't supposed to cry. I wanted to be thankful today for the time I had with you but honestly I think this is all so unfair.
I feel like we are all trying so hard to keep it together, but I never really get for who. I don't need to be strong, and I don't need my family to be strong. In fact I need to know that they're hurting too.
Aunt Suzie said some beautiful words for you. I knew when she pulled out that lined piece of paper for her prayer that it was going to be bad.
A whole family sat, with heads bowed, all crying for you. For one second we weren't strong anymore. We were real, with raw emotion, and composure was out of the question.
You are so loved, and so missed, and sometimes it hurts so bad I have to think that somehow you can feel it.
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