The words “little brother” sound so much sweeter when you know how much they really mean. They’ve become like a term of endearment, as special as a nickname for your lover or child, one of the highest esteem.
I’ve found myself missing the words. But dreading their thought, as they remind me of the hole I’ll never fill in my heart. It was an honor for me to call you that- through all the fights, the annoyances, the drifting apart. I want to tell every sister or brother how much you have when you can say the words without a stutter, carelessly with no second thought- no heartbreak, no holding back tears.
But as long as I can speak, I will always tell everyone I have a little brother. I will always recall stories in present tense, because you are still and always will be with me. I am not ashamed of the reasons I lost you, I will not lie when I am asked why you left me. But I will fight to preserve the heart and soul you held in your body. Because this is what I know: The greatest people, the greatest minds, the biggest hearts, they all still hurt. They all still make stupid decisions and mistakes. They still have vices, they still sin, they still turn on other people, and they still can be so weak. But you, you would still be there in a heartbeat, still took my side sometimes without me ever knowing. You still loved with all you had, you held some of the most beautiful words I’ve ever read inside your head. And you laughed. You laughed at yourself, you laughed with us, and you made us laugh- some of the happiest laughs I’ve ever had.
So little brother, I promise you this. I will raise my children to say “my annoying little brother” with a smile on their face. I will spend every day reminding them that we are only pieces of our family, and each person we love makes up our whole heart. I will never forget the importance of saying “I love you” and I will say it every.single.day. I will remember to hold them tight, and cherish any times I am able to come to their rescue. I will not forget that every flaw, every annoying thing they could do, will always be something I miss it were ever gone. I will treasure the tiniest moments... a cigarette on the porch, a shared joke, a chat in the car, a phone call to bum a ride, a funny text.
My head is on auto-pilot. I say things the way you say them inside my head. I hear your voice perfectly and your laugh clearly, and then I remember that's all I have left.
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