Thursday, April 19, 2012

Self, You Now Have My Permission To Be

A lot of my time has been spent wanting and wishing. Wanting things I don't particularly need and wishing things about me were different. Wanting longer hair, wishing my love handles could disappear, wanting a smaller nose, wishing I could get my pre-baby pants on without a struggle. Wanting to be able to play it a little cooler, to not obsess, to go with the flow. You know, the normal girl stuff.

But then a night like tonight comes along- and I can't help but notice they have become more frequent- where I am perfectly content with me.

Today, I did yoga on Netflix. Mostly I make fun of myself whenever I get into anything 'trendy' if you will. But fuck it, that shit is spiritual! My legs were strong and grounded into the earth, my breaths cleared my head, and I found each muscle I needed to work. Okay, this is starting to make sense.

The funny thing is I didn't really mind when I went into wet seal later that day and realized that size small=pre teen, size medium =size oneofthosebitcheswhocaneatwhateverandstillbetiny, and size XL = Just right, oh great I'm a fatty. I marched my fat ass right on up to Victoria's Secret and bought some 5 for 25 underwear (which by the way is now 5 for 26, WTH) and let me tell you about the power of some sexy underwear! Hey there Wet Seal stick figure girl, you probably have nothing on this booty- thanks!

I had no problem telling the guy at Best Buy I had no idea how much 2 GB was, but that I wanted enough room to play all the Sims 3 games including expansions. (PS, you need 4 GB for that) I held my screaming toddler while she threw the contents of my wallet everywhere like it was no thing. I joked with the cashier while my best buy card refused to be accepted. And finally, I wheeled my happy-MacBook owning ass out of there- and did I mention I did this all in ridiculously large and high heels?

Later I sat my considerably less evil toddler in her high chair (thank GOD for nap time) and threw on pandora. Yes, Luke Bryan station. I've only been obsessed for the past week. Anyone that knows me knows that I DO.NOT.DANCE. I can only recall one time in public and that involved a post-pregnancy alcohol tolerance and lots of fruity mixed drinks- oh and shame, lots of shame. Anyways, me and the babes blasted it (thanks to my new computer for having way more awesome speaker power than previous computer, woo woo!) and my two white girl legs had a mind of their own! I twirled, jumped, hell I think I even pirouetted a few times. I hip thrusted, and did what I think was called shaking my ass. And Aspen laughed the whole time. Maybe because I looked like a nut job, but probably mostly because we were both pretty dang happy.

I know this is probably starting to sound like one of those you go girl books, but shut up. I don't know if its because I'm finally not PMSing, or maybe because I've actually committed to yoga three whole times this week, or quite possibly it could be all those really gay but somehow hits a chord pinterest inspirational quote pin things, but I feel fanfuckingtastic.

The thing is, I'm starting to realize that life is way too damn short to care. I love fringe, and tribal, and beads, and lots of color and I'm going to wear it. I'm a little messy, but once in a while a get a wild hair to clean and I realize my apartment is pretty damn cute. I like to cuss, but I know when and where to do it (and this is my blog so I'm just lettin em roll) I've got marriage and kids and a family on the brain so why pretend like I don't. Anyone I'm going to be with should probably know that. It used to be so much about 'playing the game'- not just in dating but relationships in general. I'm moody, I have little break downs and freak outs, and lots of word vomit. I get pissed off and don't talk to people for days, but I'm finally realizing that the friendship or relationship as a big picture is much more important than one event. And on the other hand, if someone doesn't like that I really do just have so much emotion and passion, or respect that I have a whole lot of love to give then they can most certainly kick rocks. And most importantly, I am a freak. Having a child certainly brings out the weirdo in a person. I chase her around roaring like a dinosaur, lick toes, and have attained a large library of very weird accents. But child or not, that is just me. I'm a weirdo. I talk too fast, get excited about pretty much anything with sprinkles on it, and I guess I really fuckin love tofu. That might scare 'the cool kids' but if you ask me they are missing out on some pretty cool shit.

Anyways before I go off on a really long tangent about how freakin' awesome I am, my point is.... Fuck it. Try new recipes, dance anytime anyplace, laugh at yourself and play like you did when you were 6. Tell people how you feel, never feel like a creep for caring, and always address the way you feel. Of course there's always a time and place, but if you find yourself censoring yourself all the time, you're just not having fun. Took me awhile to start getting it, but now that I'm getting there I find myself a whole hell of a lot happier.

Love always, Ash

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