It's gone by so fast, but feels like forever since I've heard your voice and laugh.
For the most part I'm doing alright. It's just those days when something clicks and you're disabled. I feel my heart breaking inside my chest all over again. The worst day wasn't finding out, it wasn't when I said goodbye. The worst days happen when I never see it coming. When I think about getting married and you won't be there. When I see Aspen being so funny and knowing you never got to see that. How mad you were at me for getting pregnant but melted after holding her once. Mother's and Father's Day I couldn't even bring myself to do or say anything to them. I can't ever be both of us, and never in my life have I felt so helpless and small. Sometimes I'd break down right before going to have a smoke just because I thought to myself "wanna schmaggity?!" just like you would say. When I go to get into my paints I think of you and how you almost used all of mine up, and how I was mad you stained my decorative towel with them. I laugh about that, because now there is no way in hell I'll ever get rid of a damn towel. The funny thing is I don't miss you for the obvious reasons, its just when I think of stupid things like mowing my lawn and how Ollie would be so excited when you'd come over. I just need my brother sometimes... sometimes you're just the only one that can make me feel better.
I know this all sounds sad, and I wish I could explain how weird this all feels. That the weirdest most random things make me think of you. But the funny part that is in your absence I feel you so much. Like you almost knocked me over today with all the love in the room. And that made me feel so happy. It's nothing compared to having you there, but its an amazing feeling having you surrounding us.
I can't believe in a month it'll be a year. I feel like its an awfully long time to be waiting to wake up from this dream, or for someone to tell me its all a joke. It's an awfully long time... but I think I'll always be waiting.
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