Just deal with it

I’m staring at the same TV screen for ten minutes. The same stupid DVD menu song is playing over and over and I let it. I could replay the disk, could change it, could turn it off. But here I sit – my only company a stupid Hello Kitty cartoon. I don’t know what it is sometimes… if I just don’t care, if I’m too lazy, if I need some white noise anyways. Stupid metaphor yes, but some nights I feel the same way about my life.

Sometimes I just get so damn disappointed. And I never know if its more in myself or in everyone else. Disappointed in myself because I mostly always know the outcome and do something anyways. Disappointed in everyone else because there’s always that hope agianst hope that they’ll prove themselves decent human beings. But the truth is that you can love someone a whole helluva lot and they could STILL give a shit less about you. But I knew that.

So instead of trying to make them feel terrible and making some big scene – because as a grown up I know that it won’t change anything anyway, I’m sitting here wondering how to just deal with it.

Hurt does a weird thing to me…. I tend to just pretend its not there. My solutions used to be get shitfaced-scream on a bathroom floor-make an ass out of yourself-drunk. Hang out with a cute boy. Call up some friends.Do my “I’m erasing you from my life” ritual. Watch TV, play vids, something ANYTHING to keep my mind as far away as possible. Ignore Ignore Ignore.

But I’m wondering if maybe that isn’t exactly the healthiest way to deal with grief. Losing a family member – can’t be ignored. I paid for that for about 7 years. Losing a boyfriend – can’t be ignored. You can drink that pain away for a little bit but lets be honest here you’ll only end up drunk dialing him or crying in public. Losing a friend- can’t be ignored. Nor can vengence be yours by taking over their MySpace profile. TRUST me on that one.

So I guess here I am 22 and finally THINKING, “Wow my heart kinda hurts. What now?”

Count celing tiles. Sip glass of wine.

1.)    Will I try to avoid a situation I KNOW will hurt me next time? Maybe, probably not.

2.)    It’s okay to cry about it. And not even that cry that you hope someone hears so they feel bad for you. Just cry because its okay to. Check. But goddammit you jerk you made me cry!

3.)    How long will it hurt? I don’t know – but eventually it will leave you alone for a little bit.

4.)    Am I going to be okay? Always. Brush your shoulders off. Its never as bad as it seems.

5.)    Embrace it. GRIEVE. Wether it’s a fight, or that you’ll never see someone ever again, feel it. It’s gotta hurt to heal.

I know its impossible to not be bothered by things. For me especially. I’m sensitive, I overrthink, I’m emotional, and I take things personally. That will probably never ever change. But my reaction can, will, is. And while I will probably never have complete control of the things I say when mad, or the irrational-take drastic measures-side of me I can be comforted by the thought that maybe, just maybe I can just deal with anything now. I mean c’mon, I’ve got one kickass little bebe smiling at me all day.