Musings of a somebody who knows nothing about anything.

My heart is heavy, I am tired- so tired. A constant barrage of political mumbo jumbo assaults my eyes every day, unwarranted opinions flood my mind from individuals highly UN-qualified to have them. But mostly I am sad. I am deeply heartbroken that we have become a people- I can't say country because I'm not entirely sure we are the only one that has grown so hardhearted towards a never ending war on true evil- so callous and brass about "It's either us or them." As if it is no big deal women and children and men are being tortured, beheaded, watching their own family members die right in front of them. As if we are the ones who can say anything from seats such as ours. I am sick and I am helpless and I am discouraged in my human race. 

I see the face of my daughter in all those children with tear filled eyes sleeping on cardboard or in forests- anywhere, anything. I can only muster up what may be a fraction of the terror one of these people feel, living true horror that more than make up whatever I or most of us here will experience in lifetimes over. I am disgusted by the careless comments and political debates, as if we have any right to sit in our seats of PRIVILEGE for simply being born in one place over another. As if left or right make up even an 1/8 of the picture as a whole. Call me a 'libtard', call me naive, tell me I'm asking for domestic terrorist attacks. There is no argument that will sway me from believing that a truly great country extends a helping hand to those that will never have the privilege of a free country. I believe that with greatness comes responsibility, especially to those that are caught in something they could never stop themselves. I will never lose my human connection with another fellow human. I will never not have hope in a better humanity. I will however no longer listen to those who spew out bullshit and political nonsense they know nothing about. You know nothing. Nothing but freedom and privilege and a country where the worst thing I can complain about is a Facebook news feed full of disgusting hate and selfish ignorance. 

Terrorism and tragedy and violence have passports and citizenship and plane tickets right to us. We do our best to filter and prevent, but I cannot trust that refusing compassion is a sure fire ticket to doing so. We are playing right into the hands of those behind the chaos, becoming more and more like them the less and less we care about their victims. We are more willing to lets thousands upon thousands die in the off chance that a hundred of us might too. Turning our backs on helplessness because of individuals we let define a whole religion for us.

All Is Well

 

There have been a lot of hard losses in this little community lately. In the three years since my own, I can tell you that there has been maybe one other string of words that have spoken to me like these have. It speaks to a soul full of sorrow, reminding us that this journey we're on isn't (shouldn't be) one of only grief.

Loss is this messy, scattered pile of human emotions in their most intense state- handed, or shoved rather- into the arms of a person that doesn't yet have the hands to hold it. Ironically this is the thing that bonds life's two most sacred and yet opposite events- new life and transition of an old one. No other events in life will hand you the heightened mess of emotion that this pair does.

And there is something beautiful in that.

I wish I could tell you, the person experiencing such immense sorrow, how important it is to speak of your loss and keep your loved one alive in you. I watch my present loved ones struggle so silently, suppressing the most devastating life event without a single hand to take up along the way. Pretend like nothing happened, our pain is embarrassing- the events that took you are embarrassing.

But they are not.

You are you. I am me. You have left  but you did not take our time together away with you. I don't hesitate anymore when they ask me, and 'you' are not past tense. You are, he is, we are and always will be. I am angry with you for the events that took you, just as I would be if you physically stood in front of me today. I am angry because I would be. And of course I still love you. Just as it remained true in our life together, no amount of anger you make me feel could make me love you any less.

It's just
kind of funny that it has taken such a while on this journey for me to understand that.

When you haven't grown up enough to be a grown up.

My head can't get my thoughts to flow out of my fingers. They're just stuck up in there, fumbling around and bumping into each other. My epiphanies are mixed up with my selfishness, my grief pretends to be self righteousness, and the heart I had seems to be feeling pretty indignant anymore.

But my face? It shows nothing, you see I made it that way. Set it like stone... cold as the night I knew I fell out of love with you and unmoving unlike my thoughts and my heart. And I do this because I love you but for you to know this would make it burn even worse.

Isn't it funny how the right choices seem to be the hardest. Requiring the most emotional strength, when the wrong choices just seem to happen. It was never anything I meant to do, and it was not something I could stop. That's what they all say probably. I'm weak, I'm unflinching, I can justify damn near anything I want to.

Love is just messy. The pain its made me feel doesn't come out perfectly in pretty little sentences put in perfect order in perfect paragraphs. I'd like to hope its that sad kind of beautiful, because you know what it all means to not know what it all means. Its in my life in so many different ways that I used to call love and hate, passion and temper, sorrow and happiness. But its all the same. Its love for myself, for you, for her, for him.

I knew it had to be this way. I resisted, I tried to pretend it wasn't happening like I thought. And as much as you wouldn't believe me now I tried to blame myself. 'It's because I'm not happy', I'd say. Denial is funny, it sneaks in and stays with you for longer than anyone would like to know. We are sitting here trying to say who's fault it is when it is no one's. It just wasn't, isn't, and can't. I am sorry but then again I'm not. I'm happy but I'm sad. But if there's one thing I do know, it's that it will be better. I've always gotten better. Everything still lingers around but it doesn't propel my choices any longer. Fucked up but functioning, isn't that the best we can hope for?

Don't think I don't care. The sadness of things that couldn't be seems to follow me around, vigilantly waiting to stab me in the heart to remind me of its presence. Much like every other time I've hurt its never when expected.

Don't think this is just me trying to explain, don't think this is meant to feel hopeless and sad. I wish I could tell you I'm happy and this sets you free. I'm alive again, breathing this new breath and feeling... and oh did I miss feeling. I'll take the worry, the hurt, the vulnerability because I can finally feel it. It only amplifies the happiness, and I feel love growing more every day. I felt, with you, as if my heart reached a peak and it couldn't grow anymore, so you can imagine how much this surprises me as well. To know that it doesn't have to stop getting bigger, there aren't any limits. I can love my music, my art, my words even more. I'm not confined inside the 21 year old I was when you met me, and I feel bigger than I ever was. It's just me, uninhibited, unplanned, and unburdened.

The shortest and longest year of my life.

It's gone by so fast, but feels like forever since I've heard your voice and laugh.

For the most part I'm doing alright. It's just those days when something clicks and you're disabled. I feel my heart breaking inside my chest all over again. The worst day wasn't finding out, it wasn't when I said goodbye. The worst days happen when I never see it coming. When I think about getting married and you won't be there. When I see Aspen being so funny and knowing you never got to see that. How mad you were at me for getting pregnant but melted after holding her once. Mother's and Father's Day I couldn't even bring myself to do or say anything to them. I can't ever be both of us, and never in my life have I felt so helpless and small. Sometimes I'd break down right before going to have a smoke just because I thought to myself "wanna schmaggity?!" just like you would say. When I go to get into my paints I think of you and how you almost used all of mine up, and how I was mad you stained my decorative towel with them. I laugh about that, because now there is no way in hell I'll ever get rid of a damn towel. The funny thing is I don't miss you for the obvious reasons, its just when I think of stupid things like mowing my lawn and how Ollie would be so excited when you'd come over. I just need my brother sometimes... sometimes you're just the only one that can make me feel better.

I know this all sounds sad, and I wish I could explain how weird this all feels. That the weirdest most random things make me think of you. But the funny part that is in your absence I feel you so much. Like you almost knocked me over today with all the love in the room. And that made me feel so happy. It's nothing compared to having you there, but its an amazing feeling having you surrounding us.

I can't believe in a month it'll be a year. I feel like its an awfully long time to be waiting to wake up from this dream, or for someone to tell me its all a joke. It's an awfully long time... but I think I'll always be waiting.

Self, You Now Have My Permission To Be

A lot of my time has been spent wanting and wishing. Wanting things I don't particularly need and wishing things about me were different. Wanting longer hair, wishing my love handles could disappear, wanting a smaller nose, wishing I could get my pre-baby pants on without a struggle. Wanting to be able to play it a little cooler, to not obsess, to go with the flow. You know, the normal girl stuff.

But then a night like tonight comes along- and I can't help but notice they have become more frequent- where I am perfectly content with me.

Today, I did yoga on Netflix. Mostly I make fun of myself whenever I get into anything 'trendy' if you will. But fuck it, that shit is spiritual! My legs were strong and grounded into the earth, my breaths cleared my head, and I found each muscle I needed to work. Okay, this is starting to make sense.

The funny thing is I didn't really mind when I went into wet seal later that day and realized that size small=pre teen, size medium =size oneofthosebitcheswhocaneatwhateverandstillbetiny, and size XL = Just right, oh great I'm a fatty. I marched my fat ass right on up to Victoria's Secret and bought some 5 for 25 underwear (which by the way is now 5 for 26, WTH) and let me tell you about the power of some sexy underwear! Hey there Wet Seal stick figure girl, you probably have nothing on this booty- thanks!

I had no problem telling the guy at Best Buy I had no idea how much 2 GB was, but that I wanted enough room to play all the Sims 3 games including expansions. (PS, you need 4 GB for that) I held my screaming toddler while she threw the contents of my wallet everywhere like it was no thing. I joked with the cashier while my best buy card refused to be accepted. And finally, I wheeled my happy-MacBook owning ass out of there- and did I mention I did this all in ridiculously large and high heels?

Later I sat my considerably less evil toddler in her high chair (thank GOD for nap time) and threw on pandora. Yes, Luke Bryan station. I've only been obsessed for the past week. Anyone that knows me knows that I DO.NOT.DANCE. I can only recall one time in public and that involved a post-pregnancy alcohol tolerance and lots of fruity mixed drinks- oh and shame, lots of shame. Anyways, me and the babes blasted it (thanks to my new computer for having way more awesome speaker power than previous computer, woo woo!) and my two white girl legs had a mind of their own! I twirled, jumped, hell I think I even pirouetted a few times. I hip thrusted, and did what I think was called shaking my ass. And Aspen laughed the whole time. Maybe because I looked like a nut job, but probably mostly because we were both pretty dang happy.

I know this is probably starting to sound like one of those you go girl books, but shut up. I don't know if its because I'm finally not PMSing, or maybe because I've actually committed to yoga three whole times this week, or quite possibly it could be all those really gay but somehow hits a chord pinterest inspirational quote pin things, but I feel fanfuckingtastic.

The thing is, I'm starting to realize that life is way too damn short to care. I love fringe, and tribal, and beads, and lots of color and I'm going to wear it. I'm a little messy, but once in a while a get a wild hair to clean and I realize my apartment is pretty damn cute. I like to cuss, but I know when and where to do it (and this is my blog so I'm just lettin em roll) I've got marriage and kids and a family on the brain so why pretend like I don't. Anyone I'm going to be with should probably know that. It used to be so much about 'playing the game'- not just in dating but relationships in general. I'm moody, I have little break downs and freak outs, and lots of word vomit. I get pissed off and don't talk to people for days, but I'm finally realizing that the friendship or relationship as a big picture is much more important than one event. And on the other hand, if someone doesn't like that I really do just have so much emotion and passion, or respect that I have a whole lot of love to give then they can most certainly kick rocks. And most importantly, I am a freak. Having a child certainly brings out the weirdo in a person. I chase her around roaring like a dinosaur, lick toes, and have attained a large library of very weird accents. But child or not, that is just me. I'm a weirdo. I talk too fast, get excited about pretty much anything with sprinkles on it, and I guess I really fuckin love tofu. That might scare 'the cool kids' but if you ask me they are missing out on some pretty cool shit.

Anyways before I go off on a really long tangent about how freakin' awesome I am, my point is.... Fuck it. Try new recipes, dance anytime anyplace, laugh at yourself and play like you did when you were 6. Tell people how you feel, never feel like a creep for caring, and always address the way you feel. Of course there's always a time and place, but if you find yourself censoring yourself all the time, you're just not having fun. Took me awhile to start getting it, but now that I'm getting there I find myself a whole hell of a lot happier.

Love always, Ash

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The words “little brother” sound so much sweeter when you know how much they really mean. They’ve become like a term of endearment, as special as a nickname for your lover or child, one of the highest esteem.

I’ve found myself missing the words. But dreading their thought, as they remind me of the hole I’ll never fill in my heart. It was an honor for me to call you that- through all the fights, the annoyances, the drifting apart. I want to tell every sister or brother how much you have when you can say the words without a stutter, carelessly with no second thought- no heartbreak, no holding back tears. 

But as long as I can speak, I will always tell everyone I have a little brother. I will always recall stories in present tense, because you are still and always will be with me. I am not ashamed of the reasons I lost you, I will not lie when I am asked why you left me. But I will fight to preserve the heart and soul you held in your body. Because this is what I know: The greatest people, the greatest minds, the biggest hearts, they all still hurt. They all still make stupid decisions and mistakes. They still have vices, they still sin, they still turn on other people, and they still can be so weak. But you, you would still be there in a heartbeat, still took my side sometimes without me ever knowing. You still loved with all you had, you held some of the most beautiful words I’ve ever read inside your head. And you laughed. You laughed at yourself, you laughed with us, and you made us laugh- some of the happiest laughs I’ve ever had.

So little brother, I promise you this. I will raise my children to say “my annoying little brother” with a smile on their face. I will spend every day reminding them that we are only pieces of our family, and each person we love makes up our whole heart. I will never forget the importance of saying “I love you” and I will say it every.single.day. I will remember to hold them tight, and cherish any times I am able to come to their rescue. I will not forget that every flaw, every annoying thing they could do, will always be something I miss it were ever gone. I will treasure the tiniest moments... a cigarette on the porch, a shared joke, a chat in the car, a phone call to bum a ride, a funny text. 

My head is on auto-pilot. I say things the way you say them inside my head. I hear your voice perfectly and your laugh clearly, and then I remember that's all I have left. 

Firsts are the worst

The 'firsts' without you are the worst... Atleast that's what I'm hoping. I was caught completely off guard today, when it hit me that you wouldn't be there this time. I still live in la la land like maybe you're just on a trip and will come home soon. The past few months have been spent in a dreamlike trance, with the realness punching me in the gut every so often.
But today I knew. It hurt so bad it doubled me over. Aspen looked at me so confused... Mommies aren't supposed to cry. I wanted to be thankful today for the time I had with you but honestly I think this is all so unfair.
I feel like we are all trying so hard to keep it together, but I never really get for who. I don't need to be strong, and I don't need my family to be strong. In fact I need to know that they're hurting too.
Aunt Suzie said some beautiful words for you. I knew when she pulled out that lined piece of paper for her prayer that it was going to be bad. 
A whole family sat, with heads bowed, all crying for you. For one second we weren't strong anymore. We were real, with raw emotion, and composure was out of the question.
You are so loved, and so missed, and sometimes it hurts so bad I have to think that somehow you can feel it.