My head can't get my thoughts to flow out of my fingers. They're just stuck up in there, fumbling around and bumping into each other. My epiphanies are mixed up with my selfishness, my grief pretends to be self righteousness, and the heart I had seems to be feeling pretty indignant anymore.
But my face? It shows nothing, you see I made it that way. Set it like stone... cold as the night I knew I fell out of love with you and unmoving unlike my thoughts and my heart. And I do this because I love you but for you to know this would make it burn even worse.
Isn't it funny how the right choices seem to be the hardest. Requiring the most emotional strength, when the wrong choices just seem to happen. It was never anything I meant to do, and it was not something I could stop. That's what they all say probably. I'm weak, I'm unflinching, I can justify damn near anything I want to.
Love is just messy. The pain its made me feel doesn't come out perfectly in pretty little sentences put in perfect order in perfect paragraphs. I'd like to hope its that sad kind of beautiful, because you know what it all means to not know what it all means. Its in my life in so many different ways that I used to call love and hate, passion and temper, sorrow and happiness. But its all the same. Its love for myself, for you, for her, for him.
I knew it had to be this way. I resisted, I tried to pretend it wasn't happening like I thought. And as much as you wouldn't believe me now I tried to blame myself. 'It's because I'm not happy', I'd say. Denial is funny, it sneaks in and stays with you for longer than anyone would like to know. We are sitting here trying to say who's fault it is when it is no one's. It just wasn't, isn't, and can't. I am sorry but then again I'm not. I'm happy but I'm sad. But if there's one thing I do know, it's that it will be better. I've always gotten better. Everything still lingers around but it doesn't propel my choices any longer. Fucked up but functioning, isn't that the best we can hope for?
Don't think I don't care. The sadness of things that couldn't be seems to follow me around, vigilantly waiting to stab me in the heart to remind me of its presence. Much like every other time I've hurt its never when expected.
Don't think this is just me trying to explain, don't think this is meant to feel hopeless and sad. I wish I could tell you I'm happy and this sets you free. I'm alive again, breathing this new breath and feeling... and oh did I miss feeling. I'll take the worry, the hurt, the vulnerability because I can finally feel it. It only amplifies the happiness, and I feel love growing more every day. I felt, with you, as if my heart reached a peak and it couldn't grow anymore, so you can imagine how much this surprises me as well. To know that it doesn't have to stop getting bigger, there aren't any limits. I can love my music, my art, my words even more. I'm not confined inside the 21 year old I was when you met me, and I feel bigger than I ever was. It's just me, uninhibited, unplanned, and unburdened.
